Refine hate and love, fall afresh on me. End this crisis of identity.

It turns out I don’t know who I am. I thought I knew; I thought I had everything figured out. I was wrong.

Amanda and I were talking about identity, how college is the time where you find yours. I guess that makes sense. That is, after all, what everyone had told me.

Amanda (God bless her…) had one of her “realizations” last night when we were talking. She said that when you put your identity in other people rather than Christ, you’re more likely to blame them when you get hurt.

This week (and really this whole summer) I’ve been wrestling and I haven’t been sure quite why. I’ve been in a spiritual trough, but those have never bummed me out to this extreme (because I trust in the temporary state of the season). I think it’s because I don’t know who I am.

It turns out I have been looking for my identity in everyone and everything but Christ. I’ve looked for it in my friends. And, already, I have begun looking for it in my future career.

I know who God has called me to be (what to do with my life), but that only tells me about what I am going to do, not who I am. So I’m going to find out.

I want to go to Tinker Creek to find out, but that’s not exactly realistic. I don’t live in Virginia. And I hate camping. Hmm.

Anyway, I think college will do my some good (ha, who would’ve thought?). In the meantime there’s a thing called prayer and a thing called journaling. I shall see where that gets me.

Ezek.

This is my voice, all shadows stayed this is my heart, upon the altar laid
Please take all else away, hear my cry, I beg, I plead, I pray
I’ll walk into the flame, a calculated risk to further bless your name
So strike me deep and true, and in your strength I will live and die both unto you.

July 10, 2008

Posted in Nonfiction and tagged college, identity.