heart is scarred by duel volition
I don’t know how to begin this blog. I really just have a lot of word vomit to throw at you all, but that way probably won’t be the most effective.
I finished a piece for my magazine writing class that affected me like nothing else I’ve written since the infamous “secret book” some of you have been dying to read (or have yelled at me over). But this new piece I started writing about my lack of self-esteem – how it has waned over the past few years – but it ended up showing me how much of my identity I search for in other people. How I made beauty relative to my circumstances.
It started in middle school. Looking back I thought I had all the self-esteem in the world. I rocked my style: tiny braids in my long hair, trucker hats, low-cut tops with camisoles, wristbands with safety pins, baggy khaki pants from Aeropostle and in eighth grade, when I cut my hair short so I’d look like Scully from the X-Files, I wore button blouses all the time.
Oh, I had class.
But did I have self-esteem? Did I believe I was worth anything?
Maybe more than I do now, but not much more. I really hate admitting it – because I think I rock more than you know – but all through high school I was looking for my identity in everything but God.
I looked for it in crushes.
I looked for it in boyfriends.
I looked for it in Ashley.
I looked for it in Tom.
I looked for it in pride.
I looked for it in Christianity.
But it’s not the same as finding your identity in Christ. To find yourself in Christ, well, if I knew exactly what that looked like it’d be easier for me to obtain. I could even be there already. I could see that I have value no matter how annoying my stupid hair is or whether or not I have friends or good grades or if that hot kid in soc will freaking look at me.
Ugh.
I stumbled upon my Xanga page. My second one, the one I made after I started liking Luke. I hate that in so many areas I got it – I knew that God is the only one I need to live for – but at the same time I was self-righteous. I was mean to Luke, I was mean to Ashley and Amanda. But I clung to God. But I clung to a part of God. Or, I clung with a part of me. Or something.
Who am I?, because I don’t know.
I feel like that God-hungry, Scripture-memorizing child of God I was back then isn’t me any more. But neither am I that unconsciously cruel. Or am I?
I am bitter. I hate all peppy Christians. I am confused. I wish things made sense.
But I still cling to God with whatever’s left of me. Not because I need to prove anything to you, but because I don’t have any other choice. This is hard, sir. Please help me.
I’m broken, but guess what:
When I’m broken, then I will be made whole.
To go high, you must first go deep.
So here I am.
ezekiel the enamored.
I know you feel like you’re broken and you don’t have purpose in this world anymore. I know you’d rather indulge in comforts that aren’t stable and won’t ever save you. But I can’t have you like that. I need you to turn around and find comfort in me. Stop your pity party and come back to me. I miss you.I know we haven’t been close like we have in the past and that scares you. But why do you run away? If you know we’re drifting apart, why do you wander farther and farther from me? I want to be gracious and I want to romance you, but you’ve given up. What have I done?
Can’t you focus on me for just five minutes? I love you, that’s why I need you to get this. I know you have other things going on that demand your attention. I made life that way, you know. But I need you. I can’t be without you. Come back, Love, and let us walk together like we used to. Let us be in love again.
I know I seem distant, especially when things in life are so hectic. But I’m here. I’m always here. I’m waiting for you to love me in return. I want to talk to you. I want to get close to you again.
You haven’t fallen as far as you think you have. Just return to me and we’ll forget about the past. It’ll just be you and me forever. That’s what I want, Love. Just for us to be so in love again. [Sept. 17, 2006]
April 7, 2009