between the river and the ravens I’m fed
It’s really hard to write when nothing’s going on.
I’m used to being fed up with something or obsessing over some new found philosophy I can write about for three blogs in a row. But not right now. School’s out, I don’t have a job, my reading’s been light and uninspiring (ah, no offense, brilliant writers from whom I’m reading) and I’m not really enraged about anything. I usually am about this time. Last year I was going through my anti-politics kick, the year before that (and the year before that) I was frustrated by everyone’s lack of faith. (Or something like that.)
I have spent most of my summer (so far) running errands, listening to music, reading, watching the news, watching TV, drinking coffee, redoing my Web site, inviting myself to people’s houses, applying for jobs and eating cake. Not simultaneously, though that would be funny.
Anyway, my goals for this summer included writing every day (fail), reading three different magazines (fail, fail), submitting articles for publication (augh, fail) and reading nine books (I’m still doing okay). I want this summer to matter (as I say every year) but it can’t get much liftoff without money to make it matter.
Here comes the punchline.
Yesterday my state tax return came – and not a moment too soon. I’m not broke – yet – but I will be soon if I don’t get a job. Sure, I’d be fine if I didn’t drive anywhere, ever. But if I stay at home all summer I might go crazy.
I’ve been selling textbooks, too, periodically, which has put a little bit of money into my account at the end of the month.
I smiled as I folded the state-issued check into my wallet because I knew that I had just enough to get by. I can still afford gas to get to my Wednesday night Bible study at Ruthanne’s and I can afford to buy at least one or two presents for all the weddings and grad parties I have to go to (ahh!). But I don’t have enough to waste on crap.
I have enough.
And it’s beautiful.
But really hard, too.
Part of me is so frustrated that I haven’t found a job yet, but the other part of me is excited by the discipline. I’ve never had a steady job. I work freelance or seasonal or the darn business shuts down. I’m learning to be flexible, to have to depend on God.
It’s great, but it’s so scary too.
Hopefully, hopefully I’ll still get a job so that I can participate in more this summer.
But even if not, I will have to keep trusting.
Lauren
Between the river and ravens I’m fed Sweet deliverer, you lift up my head and lead me in your way
May 12, 2009