The God of 2009
I’ve come a long way since 2009.
Back then I was so full of doubt — good doubt, I still believe, but doubt nonetheless. Because of certain circumstances I let myself believe that God was a rude realist, and not a romantic. Because of that belief I lost a part of myself.
I believe that God is the great romancer. He delights in me. He wants what’s best for me, even when life seems to be heading in a horrible direction.
I wrote this back in 2009. I love to read it, because at the time it seemed so true. It was true to my heart, but it’s not true anymore.
—
I used to believe God was a romantic. I used to think that we had similar hearts – that he and I yearned for the same things: for romance, beauty, poetry. But I don’t think that’s true anymore.
I think he’s a realist. He lets the laws of nature do their thing. He lets me fall on my face to understand gravity. He lets me get my heart broken. I don’t think this makes him smile. He doesn’t get his ya-yas from my pain, but I don’t think he’s the God I thought he was five years ago. I think I believe in an Adult God. I believe in a God that society approves of.
I miss the Romantic God. I miss the God who will help find me a husband. I miss the God that understands why I read the books I do, why I listen to a specific Regina Spektor song when I’m sad, why I give crushes nicknames or write letters when I’m emotional. I miss the God that loves my handwriting and rereads my journals to see how much I’ve matured. I miss the God I dance to in my undies and talk to in the shower. I miss the God who thinks I’m thin enough, warns me not to overindulge on junk when I’m depressed, but tells me how pretty I am, even when I gain 20 pounds. I miss the God I cry to on the way home from college with the radio turned off and highway empty of other cars. I miss the God that lets me dream. I miss the God who wants those dreams to come true. I miss believing that God has a plan I can look forward to. I wish I still believed in him.
When I was a child I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, I dreamed like a child, but when I became an effing “mature Christian,” I put all that bullshit behind me and believed what seems reasonable and acceptable to all the other stiff-necked Christian adults around me.
I hate this.
October 8, 2011