Day 17
‘Cause you’re a g–damn fool
You’re a g–damn fool
You’re a g–damn fool
And I love you
Yeah, I love you – David Bazan
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It’s Day 17, and I’m a mess.
It’s hard being at home, because I always missed Nate when I was in Fort Wayne. I remember at the beginning of summer, sitting in my room bawling because I missed him so much. Mom rolled her eyes and said it’s good for us to be apart.
I’ve cried every day I’ve been back, except Wednesday. (Wednesday wasn’t so bad.)
I decided, too, to make a chart of my emotions since the day we broke up. Maybe you’ll find this amusing (or pathetic or interesting) too:
To understand this chart you need to know that a 5 is happiness, a 3 is about mediocre (having happy moments, but with a lingering feeling of sadness), and 0 is death. So. Needless to say, I haven’t hit 0. Phew!
When they say a “roller coaster of emotions,” they were talking about me. Sheesh.
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So if I were to pray for anything in this moment — and if I were to ask you to pray for anything — I’d say pray for peace. That’s all I want. I don’t need to be happy (5’s all the time). I need peace that God knows what he’s doing, that this is what’s best for me, that Nathan isn’t “the one,” that things will get better, that the LORD is still a romantic.
I need that kind of peace.
I don’t need to be happy that Nathan’s no longer mine. I don’t know if that’ll come any time soon. But I do need peace about it. I prayed the whole length of our relationship that I’d have peace about being with him or breaking up with him. I’ve only had peace about being with him. I don’t know how to interpret that; I guess a part of me believes that says we’re meant to be together. (A girl can hope, right?)
But right now that’s probably not what’s best for me. Hoping for that relationship may not make things easier for me.
What I need is God’s peace. I need to hear him say, “Girl, everything is going to be okay.” And I need to believe it.
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Today I am thankful for all those who’ve helped me throughout break. I’m thankful for Mom who listened to me cry several times. I’m thankful for Russ who doesn’t get too weirded out by my tears. I’m thankful for Rachel Pyle who’s been checking in on me every day. I’m thankful for Lydia Bullock and Jeremy Courtney who believe I can do better. I’m thankful for Miss Katie McCollister who gives great advice. I’m thankful for my sissypie who keeps me distracted (and thinking about hot British guys). I’m thankful for my cousin, who told me Nate’s an idiot for breaking up with me. I’m thankful for Dr. Karnehm who said the same. I’m thankful for Molly Meyer for telling me she loves me frequently. I’m thankful for my guy friends whose texts have made my day — whether they realize it or not.
I am surrounded by awesome people. God, have I ever had such great friends? (Thank you.)
November 27, 2011