Death, and Day 13
Everything must die.
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The word of the LORD came to me: “Son of man, with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes. Yet do not lament or weep or shed any tears. Groan quietly; do not mourn for the dead. Keep your turban fastened and your sandals on your feet; do not cover your mustache and beard or eat the customary food of mourners.”
So I spoke to the people in the morning, and in the evening my wife died. The next morning I did as I had been commanded. – Ezekiel 24:15-18
I’ve preached this sermon a million times, but I’m going to do it again. Everything seed must die before it grows.
This is a painful reality, friends, but it’s true. I see it time and time again.
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When I was in eighth grade, a woman named Beth came to my youth group and spoke about her work in Calcutta, India, and what it means to let go. She said we need to learn how to live open-handedly, ready to give up what we love in an instant.
Don’t think I’ve come to make life cozy. – Matthew 10:34a
I remember a few years later when I learned that her brother Ben had decided to become a missionary too, even though his love was for drawing. That, for some reason, pissed me off more than anything. Wouldn’t God want us to follow our hearts, passions, and dreams?
I remember a few years later when my dream to work for RELEVANT Magazine died. I thought back to Ben and it made sense to me. God makes things die only so something better will grow in its place. (There’s peace in this, I believe.)
But — why let the first thing live at all?
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My life has been full of dying. Why would I expect anything different now? In high school I felt God’s call to be Ezekiel, the “watchman” prophet to Israel. I believed it was my duty to look after my fellow Christians, to live a life worth imitating. But part of Ezekiel’s example-setting concerned his wife dying — the “delight of your eyes.” In doing that I had to die to my pride; I had to die to my crushes and my wants. I’ve given up so many dreams these past 7 or 8 years. Why even have them in the first place?
I don’t know the answer to this. Maybe it’s God’s sick way of keeping control (I don’t really mean this). I do know that in the end I’m happier and more fulfilled than I was in the first place. I believe this will be the case for Nathan and me.
It’s day 13 and I miss him terribly. I had a beautiful day today: I drove to Indy in the rain, I landed an incredible internship. I was, most of all, reminded of my love for city-life.
I rode home thinking, “Boy, I am glad to be me in my circumstances.” I thought about Nathan fondly and didn’t let myself get down.
Well. When I got home, all that changed. I felt lonely again. I missed him. I missed him missing me (this is silly). I cried with my mom for 30 minutes in her arms. I was a little girl again. I needed Mommy.
And I do. I need her and I need God’s grace and I need him to make sense of this.
But here’s the truth: What will come of this will be what’s best. Months down the road, I’ll either be back with Nathan in a healthy, beautiful relationship — or I’ll be in Seattle, Washington, crushing over some yuppie.
Or, knowing God, neither of these will be true, but instead something better and unexpected.
Right now, my heart still aches for him. It’s too soon to think about moving on. It’s too soon to process our relationship, even. All I have the energy to do is cry or focus on other things. Maybe by Christmas I’ll have this figured out.
November 23, 2011