Crush therapy
When I was a sophomore, I had a crush on a guy who did not like me but led me on nevertheless. When I realized this, on Christmas day, I was devastated. So I wrote him a letter that he’d never read.
I like reading that letter sometimes, mostly for laughs, but also for therapy. I survived that heartache; I can survive anything.
I made some good points back then, that I want to remind myself of today. I wrote:
I told you that I’m not very good at getting over guys. Here’s why: I lie to myself, pretending that they really do like me or will soon like me – or something. I need to quit doing this to myself. You’re not going to be a four-year crush for me. I’m getting over you right now. It’s a slow process, but it’s going to work.
I will just stop thinking about you. I’m not allowed to write your name down anymore. I should really delete your name from my phone, but I’m too much of an organization freak to let myself.
It’s over, crush. It’s over.
I’m sorry I’m so emotional with stuff like this, but you aren’t really reading this anyway, so it doesn’t matter.
And I ended the letter with:
I hope you find a wife who loves you and who you love in return. And I hope she’s fat.
With love and (mostly) squalor,
Lauren Deidra Sawyer
Maybe being his friend isn’t a smart decision. Maybe this isn’t what’s best for me. As much as I love hope, even delusional hope, it’s keeping me from moving on. And it’s putting me on his “hook.” He gets the benefits of a girlfriend (sans kissings), without the commitment — which isn’t fair to me at all. Ugh.
—
It’s Day 28, and I don’t think this is getting any better.
I’ve prayed for peace, and I haven’t felt it.
Man, it’s the one thing I’ve asked for too. But I’ll be patient and wait. (Yes, I know I haven’t blogged through Advent yet — I know. I still know what waiting’s like though.)
Lauren
December 7, 2011