Miracle!
Today turned out OK.
This is why: I felt bad for myself for a while, then I stopped. I enjoyed the company of a good friend (Al), I focused enough to get work done (some of it, anyway), and I witnessed a miracle.
I swear, a real freakin’ miracle.
I’m writing two stories for the Chronicle-Tribune. I am, of course, failing at finding sources. One of my pieces is on who will win the “young vote” in the 2012 election. I talked to everyone I know in politics (i.e. Jason Eastman) and ended up with zero sources.
Until,
I get an email late yesterday from a student who’s with the Student Electoral Commission (wtf?) and wants The Sojourn to run a piece on the 2012 elections next semester.
I said: Yes, if I can interview you for the C-T.
He said yes.
Miracle.
—
Earlier today:
Me: How long did it take you to get over Eric?
Sam: 3 years
Me: Well, $%#^!
Sam: There were a lot of factors that made it take that long
Me: Okay. Well, I hope it doesn’t take me that long. It’s day 24 and I still feel miserable
Sam: Well it might help to stop counting. lol
—
I will take these little victories when I get them. You know, there are days I feel happy because I believe Nate and I will be together again. Instead of reprimanding myself, I say, Man, I’m just glad I’m happy! There are days, too, when I’m happy because of a conversation I’ve had or because I’m thinking about Seattle. I let those happy thoughts happen. I give myself that luxury.
I think this is new for me. I used to make myself only be happy at things worth being happy about.
But I will take happiness in delusion — because I know it won’t last.
I know that I won’t have hope in Nathan’s and my relationship much longer. But if that hope makes me happy for right now, I’m OK with it.
If dreaming about living in Seattle makes me happy, then that’s good enough.
Today my friend Allison Tweeted: What is it we love about fantasy? Is it the idea of probable impossibilities or hope for improbable possibilities?
I without hesitation, responded: hope for improbable possibilities.
I used to say I’d “forsake reality for a poem.”
I’d take a delusion over despair any day.
I know I sound insane: maybe I am. But sometimes you just have to live these things out. In time, I’ll heal. In time, I’ll be sane again and thriving.
But until then? Let me have my improbable hopes.
December 4, 2011