Egotism
“I want people to see me and think: that girl got dumped, but subsequently lost a ton of weight, gained confidence, and lived a pretty sweet-ass life.” – Me, about ten minutes ago
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Every day is a crossroads. Every day I have to decide how I want to continue on from here. Do I want to pine after Nathan? Do I want to forget about him? Do I want to try to be his friend? I face those three decisions every day – and every day each answer is “yes.” I hate him; I love him; I’m disinterested, all at once.
Yes, this is exhausting.
I noticed today, that I am a pretty sweet-ass person already. No, truly. I know that I have value. I didn’t always believe this; sometimes it’s extremely hard to believe. But in the company of friends I know I have value. (They tell me, and I can finally see it for myself.)
If anything, this breakup has helped me view myself soberly. I used to have pride issues; this isn’t a pride issue. It’s a value issue. I survived the hardest breakup of my life (the worst heartache I’ve felt in 21 1/2 years), yet I still view myself as worthy. I am worthy of a man’s affection. I am worthy of people’s friendship. I am worthy of my God – somehow.
But for once, unlike my pride in high school, I view my friends as wonderful equals and more-than-equals. They’re beautiful. I joke about hating Steven because he’s good at everything, but I’m truly not jealous of him. I admire him. I feel lucky to be his friend.
Gosh, I know this sounds like a lot of tooting-my-own-horn – ha, crazy expression – but this is a big step. This is a big realization for me. Anyone who’s experienced rejection knows what it does to self worth. It crushes it.
Mine’s been crushed, but oh, it’s coming back.
I casually call this post egotism in honor of Anthony Patch and Amory Blaine, two Fitzgerald characters I love and see myself in. They are egotists. They believe they have purpose, even when they are often talent-less. They take pride in their heritage, in their circumstances, in their worldliness.
And characteristically, Anthony and Amory look in the mirror and admire their good looks.
I don’t do that – often. Haha.
January 7, 2012