Day 1: I turn to the poets
This morning (Monday), Nathan broke up with me. I suspected this would happen: if you read my last post you might have sensed something too. Everything is changing.
Last time this happened, nearly three years ago now, I decided to blog through my experiences. I now understand that was my grieving process. I think it’s good to try this again–to blog until it gets less painful, if it ever can.
Lord, have mercy.
I spent my whole day crying, on the phone with my mom, on the phone with my best friend Nick, at dinner with Sarah, at coffee with Bethany, reading the email from Ruth, my pastor’s wife. Now I feel so dry of crying, so numb, and so ambivalent.
Tears have been my food, day and night. (Ps. 42)
All I know to do is to turn to the poets.
This is the Hour of Lead — / Remember, if outlived / as Freezing persons recollect the Snow — / First — Chill — then Stupor — then the letting go —
I turn to Lauren Winner’s beautiful account of the months and year after her divorce and after her mother died; her quoting Updike.
He wonders if he’s hung. If he is, he is hung in the middle of nowhere, and the thought hollows him. (Rabbit, Run)
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I have much to say, much felt. But I’m tired. Right now I am thankful to have survived day one. I still have my wits about me.
June 10, 2014