5 Things I Know About Myself Now, That I Didn’t Know 2 Weeks Ago
Okay, I haven’t been frank on a blog post in for-ev-er. So, here it goes: Nathan and I are on a break. You don’t need to know much more. God willing, everything will be okay. (Hint: everything will be okay.)
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With this extra time I’ve had on my hands (being half-stag, I guess), I’ve been learning a lot about myself. It’s been really great, and really crappy at the same time. So. Let’s talk through this.
This is Finn.
1. I love dogs. I don’t really love all dogs. Those who know me know I hate animals. Yeah, yeah, I don’t have a soul. But then I met Finn, my sister Sam’s dog. He’s the happiest, sweetest dog I’ve ever met. I baby-talk him. I tell him how much I love him. I kiss his furry head.
2. Indiana ain’t so bad. My dream, as many of you know, is to move out Northwest (Portland, Seattle, Bend, Vancouver, wherever!). But realistically, I know that’s not going to be possible. Unless I find a job. So. I think I may stay around Indiana for a while. I’m finally at peace with this idea. (So is my mom!)
3. Friends are great. So are friends of friends. I hate telling people my problems. Sure, I complain like the rest of us: school sucks, work sucks, I’m tired, I hate chapel … blah blah blah. But I really hate telling people about my real issues. I’ve had the opportunity to — and I’ve received so much love from my friends, and those aquainti-friends of mine. You all are great. (Here’s a special shout-out to my dear friend Jeremy who offers me cookies and Easy-Mac every day. Wu-hoo.)
4. I’ve never felt so close to God in my life. Truly, I haven’t. I give credit to distress and Brennan Manning. Both do a great job of leading me to the grace of God.
What’s funny is how few times I go to church, how few times I pay attention in chapel (I am reading Brennan Manning’s Ruthless Trust, however), and how few times I participate in Christian-functions at school. Instead, I’m spending time with God. I’m loving him through nature. I’m loving him through his grace. I’m just loving him. It’s very freeing. It’s making me into a better person in the process.
For weeks now I’ve been seeking God’s peace in all things. That’s all I want. I want to live like Jayber Crow, who lived with very little, and found peace with God even when life sucked. No more striving. No more trying to be a super-Christian. God loves me as I am right this very moment.
5. I like Lauren Deidra. I’ve struggled with self-hatred for years. I’ve hated myself for my weight, my prettiness or lack thereof, my sins, my failures. But. God loves me as I am in this moment. I am a fine girl. I am quirky and weird. I’m smart and ditzy. I like that about myself. Instead of trying to be someone I’m not (see that part about the super-Christian, or anything else), I want to just be me. Yay!
October 10, 2011