I need goals.
The summer after my freshman year of high school, I had the biggest crush on a boy named Adam, who had just graduated.
Adam was everything I wanted in a man: he was a Christian, a political junkie, buff, and sexy. I look back now, and even in high school Adam looked like he was 25 years old. Hot.
Anyway, Adam graduated high school and planned to go to college in Arkansas. Yes, Arkansas. So that summer, the summer after my freshman year, I decided that I was going to prepare myself for when Adam got back. I made a series in my journal called “What God Has Taught Me In 3 Years” (for when I graduated high school) or “What God Has Taught Me In 7 Years” (for when I graduated college) or “WGHTMI7/3Y” for short. Because then Adam and I would be together forever — and I’d be ready for it.
Adam got married 2 years ago.
About a year after Adam went to college, I had a crush on a guy named Ben. I had maybe three interactions with the kid, but I let myself like him for two-and-a-half years anyway. (This morning as I planned this blog, I could not think of Ben’s name for the life of me. Two-and-a-half pointless years.)
During these two-and-a-half years I decided to prepare myself for life with Ben. I believed that I couldn’t/shouldn’t date anyone until I was truly in love with God and truly myself.
I made a series called, “The Battle to Become [myself]” which lasted for about all of those two-and-a-half years.
Then in college I gave up on this, and subsequently started crushing over loser guys. One who is now married, the other who is still a loser/jerk.
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I need goals.
Okay, I don’t need to do what I did in high school. I will make no journal series called, “What God Has Taught Me In My Miserable Months/Years of Singleness,” but I think I should do something. I need some sort of impetus.
I’m miserable right now. I don’t mean that. When I’m not falling in love with what I’m doing, or having fun with my friends, or feeling God’s peace — I am miserable. It’s only day 3, but I hear day 3’s the worst. Or maybe that’s day 5.
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I need wants.
What do I want?
I want to move to Seattle, Washington.
I want to read Holy the Firm by Puget Sound and pretend I’m Annie Dillard.
I want to publish a poem.
I want to climb (part of) Mount Rainer.
I want pay rent; I want to live like an adult.
I want to date around.
I want to be a beat poet.
I want to trust God, to seek Him for adventure.
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Today, day 3, I’m thankful for my friends. I’m thankful for Caitie Merz, who sent me the nicest text this morning, complete with a textual hug. I’m thankful for Jeremy who sent me a non-rhyming poem last night (my faves). I’m thankful for Rachel who let me sob on her shoulder last night in the back of the car, on the way home from Indy.
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It’s only 11:25 a.m. It’s going to get worse. I’m going to start feeling bad again. But right now, right now I’m fine. Right now I’m resting in the peace God’s blessed me with. I’m resting in the joy of my friends, the joy of opportunity, the joy of things-to-do and people-to-meet.
November 12, 2011