Progress Report
I did it! I’ve been single a full month, and I haven’t died, gone crazy, or made any stupid decisions.
I’ve learned a lot in this month. I know there’s more to come, too. To go through every lesson I’ve learned might be dull for you, but I’ll mention a few interesting ones. Then that’ll be that.
1. I like myself. I know we realized this awhile ago, back when Nathan and I were on a break. But for real this time, I know that I like myself. I like being with myself. I like myself with other people. This is more essential than I ever realized. You can’t be in a healthy relationship with someone unless you like yourself.
I think part of what didn’t work in my relationship with Nate was my insecurity. Even though I know I like myself, that doesn’t mean I’m free from insecurity. I can be incredibly insecure, and therefore awkward and hard to be around. I have been quite introspective these past four weeks; I’m noticing what makes me uncomfortable, and I’m trying to work through those things. I’m also realizing that dear Nathan has his own insecurities. It was silly of me to think I was the only one.
2. I have great friends. I realized this when I was with Nate, but I didn’t realize the extent of their greatness. I still have friends texting me, asking me how I’m doing. I am blessed. When I was with Nate, I was very distracted by him. Because he was my boyfriend and my best friend, I let myself neglect my other friends. I was careful to never ditch them when we’d already made plans — but I never went out of my way to make plans with them.
I’m also angry, now, that Nate never spent time with my friends. It frustrated me a little when we were dating, but now I’m officially angry. I love his friends. I miss them terribly. But he never wanted to hang out with my friends. I don’t know if he had an issue with the age difference or if they just weren’t his kind of people, but it was kind of unfair. I’m pretty sure this is the reason my eleventh grade boyfriend broke up with me: He went out of his way to be friends with my friends, but I didn’t care to be friends with his.
3. Oh, the petty arguments. Most of the things Nathan and I fought about were so small and not even worth fighting over. Part of it comes down to me and my insecurities, but others came down to him and his stubbornness. The issues themselves were stupid. Why did we waste so much energy?
4. I am too old for this university. I am. I realized soon after Nate and I broke up that I can’t be at this school anymore. I’m too old. I am not a whiny child; I am an adult.
This has less to do with Nate than it does my time spent on campus. When we were together I spent much more time off campus than on. Now I have to find excuses to get off campus to escape the immaturity that is the IWU community. I spend a lot of time at the river.
5. Happiness is a choice. I believe this to some extent, anyway. I’ve learned that when feelings of sadness/depression come, I have the choice to nurse them, or focus on something else. It’s always best to think about something else. I know this doesn’t fix anything, but it keeps me from crying myself to sleep every night. (Which I don’t do, thank God.)
I’m learning how to be thankful for the good I see. I’m thankful that classes are almost over. I’m thankful for good friends, good coffee, and good food. I’m thankful for Paradigm and The Seattle School of Theology and Psychology. I’m thankful for peace.
—
I’m doing much better now than I was one month ago — but I am not great. I’m still in love with Nathan. I used to tell him that my love for him came so naturally. I’d have to try to stop loving him. I am trying, but it is so hard.
Multiple times a day I pray for peace grounded in Truth. My heart wants him back, but I’m praying hard. I only want peace with what is True, in what God wants for us. That means I need to find peace in moving on. God, help me.
December 10, 2011