Hipster Consumerism, a poem
Hipster Consumerism
“I don’t care a thing about fashion.”
Then why does your Dijon mustard beanie match
the thinnest thread in your fifty-dollar, made-to-look-vintage
flannel from the Buckle—in season,…….not on sale?
Don’t tell me your cuffed capri jeans are comfortable.
You say you play every instrument, but you don’t know more
than a chord or two.…….Your voice is every cliché,
but still they worship you.…….They buy into you.
They wear your name on a T-shirt.
You have no enemies but one: the girl who doesn’t buy it.
I see the way you look at her,…….with your seaweed
green eyes, given by God to ungrateful you who hides them behind…….big, thick
Harry Potter glasses you don’t even have a prescription for.
You barely even speak to her. You take the cigarette
from behind your ear. “It’s organic.” “It’s American.” “It’s tar-free. “It’s lite.”
And blow smoke into her face,…….like cloudy, foggy spittle.
She is quiet, a non-smoker, goody-two-shoes. She dresses in dresses
and hats that are actually in style.…….She clashes
with the hard ass, James Dean vibe you swear you’re not going for.
You almost lose your cool by letting her know this:
“I’m not who you think I am.”
She says,…….“Yes you are.”
January 2, 2012 2 Comments
When a relationship is a tomb
I need a reason to let go
An intervention, a lullaby
Something to cure me
Please believe me
I’m trying to find truth in words
In rhymes and notes
In all the things I wish I wrote
‘Cause I feel like I’ve been losing you – The Format
—
Today is Day 53.
—
One of my very favorite pieces of creative nonfiction is “When Marriage is a Tomb” by Jill Patterson, printed in Image literary journal. It’s about a woman and her failing marriage, particularly about the expectations the church has for marriage and how it’s often unrealistic. Sometimes going to conferences and talking through issues just don’t work.
This essay haunts me. There’s a scene where the husband takes credit for the baklava his wife spent all night making. It’s a silly scene, but it upsets me so much. I made Nate read the essay last spring, and he promised he’d never do that. He’d never take credit for the baklava.
I see that Nate’s and my relationship often resembled the tomb Patterson described. I get why it was like that too, at least from my end.
From very early on in my relationship I believed Nate owed me something more than mutual affection, and once the L-word came up, love.
What he owed me changed all the time. At first I believed he owed me vulnerability. He is such a private person, and I believed that because we made out as much as we did (this was week 3 of our relationship – we made out A LOT), he should open up to me more. Later I believed he owed me more attention. He owed me time away from his friends. He owed it to me to stop smoking.
OK, relationships don’t function well like this.
What our relationship lacked was freedom, the freedom to love each other with no strings attached. We both loved each other so much, but I was unable to shake the belief that he owed me something. I had certain expectations from the get-go that screwed us over.
I think about my relationship with God. He doesn’t say I owe him. And on a good day I realize he doesn’t owe me anything either. When I’m truly at peace with God I recognize that his love is all I need, and my love is all he needs or desires. I don’t think it’s much different for a man-woman relationship either.
There’s a reason St. Paul compares Christ and the Church to a husband/wife relationship. Maybe we’re too apt to look at that metaphor from one direction and not the other. We say we should love Christ the way a man loves his wife. But what if we looked at it the other way: we’re supposed to love our spouse/lover the way Christ loves his church?
God’s love for us is full of grace. It’s without crazy expectations or I.O.U’s. (I’m in my preachy voice, I know.)
Maybe if I was able to view Nathan the same way I view God – as someone who loves me, who owes me nothing but love – our relationship would have ended differently. Or not at all.
Or maybe Nathan would have something completely different to say. Haha.
All I know is every issue that the two of us had was rooted in my belief that Nathan owed me something.
—
Strike up the band,
Deprive my sleep,
‘Cause there’s no love
Like apathy
January 2, 2012 Leave a comment
Sinead O’Conner’s “Nothing Compares 2 U”
It’s been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues
‘Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
It’s been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they’d only remind me of you
I went to the doctor n’guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said girl u better try to have fun
No matter what you’ll do
But he’s a fool
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
All the flowers that you planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I’m willing to give it another try
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
December 30, 2011 Leave a comment
28-day goals, revisited
Christmas was two days ago, which means my 28-day goals should have been accomplished. Well, let’s see about that:
Goal #1: I will read the book of Isaiah. OK, not so much. I got through 9 chapters before getting lazy and putting it aside. I know this is awful. Are you at least impressed that I prayed a lot these 28 days? No? OK.
Goal #2: I will lose weight – specifically 5 pounds from the last time I weighed myself. I don’t think I did this. I honestly haven’t weighed myself since the day before Christmas when I started eating a lot of crap. Dang, holidays! I DO fit a size smaller in jeans, though. I’m a size 6 again! I haven’t been this small since high school. (And it’s not like I’m wedging myself in my pants either. They look nice! Today, my seamstress: “You have perfect body – like a dolly!”)
Goal #3: I will leave certain people the heck-alone! I did, sorta! I did the math today: I’ve been to Old Crown more times than I talked to Nathan. Ha! Nine times at Old Crown, only 5 times (days?) talking to Nathan. Self-control? I think so.
Goal #4: I will not cry on Christmas. I didn’t! Well, I cried a teensy bit at like 2 a.m. Christmas morning, but I still consider that Christmas Eve. So – ha!
Goal #5: I will find a date to New Year’s. And yes, it is Rachel Pyle.
December 27, 2011 Leave a comment
“Mexico N-O” by Campfire OK
Don’t walk out
This time I’m willing to compromise
You and I are one
Hold me close, like I was a child again
And you were the mother I lost
I know you’re not well
But I don’t care
Let’s warm up, like summer has brought its feet again
And knocked on our door in a rhythmic pattern
Inform us while it’s cold in here, it’s warm out there
Let’s pack up, move along, and stay together
I know you’re not well
But I don’t care
Ask anything
You knew I would oblige, of course
I do anything to know it helps you out
Last straw, last pick of the draw, we got the short end
Let’s pack our ship, move along, and get out
I know you’re not well
But I don’t care
—
This is my new favorite song. Listen to it here.
December 25, 2011 Leave a comment
“Did I Make You Cry on Christmas Day? (Well, You Deserved It!)” by Sufjan Stevens
I’ve been waiting a long time to post these lyrics! This is dedicated to my goal to not cry on Christmas day.
—
This time of year you always disappear
You tell me not to call
You tell me not to call
And when the door is closed you’re wearing different clothes
Or hiding in the paper, pretending not to hear
Inexpensive wine
I buy it all the time
You tell me take it back
You say you’ll take a nap
But I can see it now
You always tell me how
I could do so much better
You said it in your letter
Did I make you cry
On Christmas day?
Did I let you down
Like every other day?
Did I make you cry
On Christmas day?
Did I let you down
On Christmas day?
The bed that isn’t made
The broken window shade
The radiator’s on
I loved you along
But I can see it now
You always tell me how
I could do so much better
You said it in your letter
I stay awake at night
After we have a fight
I’m writing poems about you
And they aren’t very nice
I didn’t mean to yell
I said I couldn’t tell
I only grabbed your wrist
Or would you rather we kissed?
Did I make you cry
On Christmas day?
Did I make you cry
Like every other day?
Did I make you cry
On Christmas day?
Did I make you cry?
December 24, 2011 Leave a comment
I know how you feel
This is dedicated to my friend Jeff, who doesn’t read my blog.
—
I can’t tell you how many days it’s been. Forty-some? I don’t really care anymore. For the most part, I know I’m healing. God is answering that prayer of mine: to find peace in Truth. I’m finding happiness and peace in the presence of my friends, in dreams of the future (Seattle, baby!), in helping others, in God’s grace. *
* I find it interesting how sick I am of religion, but how excited grace still makes me. Oh!
—
So let’s talk through this post. I called it “I know how you feel” for all those times people have told me that. I know how you feel, Lauren. And then they tell me about their breakup woes.
I used to get so annoyed by this. Of course, there are times I still do. How can you understand how I feel when you only dated him for 4 months? Or, how can you understand how I feel when you broke up with him? Or even, how can you know how I feel when you were married for him for 10 years – at least you got married! Or something childish like that.
The truth is, you do know how it is. You know how I feel. Rejection, pain, loneliness, abandonment, heartbreak – they’re all part of the human condition. Nearly everyone will face some sort of heartbreak like this. Probably everyone.
How dare I say You don’t understand! when I’m speaking to another human being? Of course you know – how could you not? How lucky would you be if you never experienced this pain.
—
I mentioned grace at the beginning of this post, and I think I’ll bring us back there.
I am comforted by the words of my friends (once I started believing them): “I know how you feel.”
Those words are pretty much the center, the focal point of the Christian faith. Why did Christ come to earth? He wanted to experience what we experience – to cry and scream and have his heart ripped out just like mine – and say “I know how you feel.”
I love that.
I’m not alone – I never will be.
December 23, 2011 1 Comment
Day #2 at NIPR
Today was even better than yesterday over at NIPR. Not only did I get to swoon over British Guy, I got to do some audio editing. I know Dr. Perry is proud of me, usin’ my Radio Production skills and all. Maybe he’ll forgive me for dropping my media comm. minor. Or maybe it’ll secure my spot in his non-related family. (I am his pretend daughter, after all.)
I’m rambling.
Really, editing today made me want to create a multimedia piece about something. No, I don’t know what. I’d like to go back to Iraq and film Honya Mahdi, who’s probably even cuter now that she’s three or so. But realistically, I have no idea what this hypothetical documentary would be about. I just want to spend time writing copy and finding the perfect talent, then slave over the editing and the fine-tuning of the production process. Mmm.
But who has time?
Later today I spent a few hours writing. I have my silly senior portfolio due in March, and I’m not convinced my work is good enough yet. I must read at the senior reading – which means I need to edit much more than I have already. Bah!
Hopefully I’ll do more writing tonight, but it’s not looking like I will. I’m in the mood to Christmas shop, then be lazy till the wee hours of the morning. Which is exactly what I’m going to do.
December 20, 2011 Leave a comment
Distractions – British men and otherwise
I’m a little obsessed with this Wendy McClure book, but I think it’s because I haven’t read a book so fast in a long time. I started it at 5:30 p.m. Saturday, finished it around 11:30 p.m. Sunday.
Anyway. I’m going to pull a Wendy by giving my blog subjects nicknames. I should have done that with Native Nate from the beginning (like that?). But I’ll start doing it now.
Today was a good day.
I job shadowed a guy from the Northeast Indiana Public Radio. This guy is so charming. There’s really no better way to describe him. He’s British (I know, right?), and intelligent, and handsome. Not hot, but handsome. He loves to read and he loves crunchy peanut butter and he’s funny. He has his master’s. He wears skinny jeans and oxford shoes. He has green eyes and cusses an appropriate amount. He says, “bullocks!” and he mumbles to himself.
I think I found my first post-break-up crush.
And he is just that: a crush. And a perfectly unattainable crush because I’m a total ditz around him. I’m shy and can’t even talk about Paradigm in so many words. It’s like I’m worried I’m going to misrepresent Orwell to him, the Brit! Sheesh. And he’s read “Why I Write” too. Geez. And he’s read a million other of his essays and Fitzgerald’s. Geez oh geez. I’ll forever be the dork who sat next to him in the production studio, rambling on about actualities because she really just wanted to drop that word, actuality. This is why I don’t date – lol.
So anyway, British Guy let me watch him do his job for a few hours today. If I weren’t listening to his voice with such infatuation, I’d probably be bored. I remember why I dropped my media comm. minor.
December 20, 2011 Leave a comment
Days 40-41
So here I am blogging, Wendy McClure style.
My dad IM’d me yesterday, to ask me out for drinks. Nice, Dad. I talked to my sister later, and I guess it’s because he’s worried about me. Dad isn’t really the lovey-dovey super-dad type, so this is nice. I think he liked Nate a lot. They spent a lot of time talking about beer and paint together. Maybe Dad wanted him as a son or something, I’m not sure.
I don’t really want people pitying me. It’s nice receiving attention, though. And it’s nice that people get why I’m not my usual peppy self. But I don’t want people to think that I’m scarred by this break-up. I’m not. I’m actually a lot stronger, a lot more mature than I was pre-break-up. I just love(d?) the kid.
I went to my summer Bible study last night. I started attending randomly, because I didn’t feel a part of my church anymore and I knew it wouldn’t be good for me to be churchless completely. So I Googled local churches and found one with a young adult group.
I love these people. I still don’t know half their names, but I feel loved and valued in their presence.
At the top of the hour we met in small groups of about 5 or 6 to talk about our weeks and give prayer requests. I told everyone my break-up saga, and they listened and loved and gave advice – good advice, too. Not: Oh you should do this! More like, This helped me when I was in your situation. I learned a lot of that advice suggests I ween myself off him. I’m trying. It’s hard.
I’m glad to have a group around me who understands what I’m going through. I’m still floored by all the texts, Facebook messages/wall posts and blog comments I get from friends and acquaintances who understand my pain and want to help me out. They’re being so Christ-like, taking the load off my shoulders and carrying it themselves. (What a beautiful image.)
Today has been good. I’ll post on it later tonight, probably. I think for now what I need are distractions – good, healthy ones – to keep me away from Nathan physically (via text-messaging) and emotionally.
-Laur
December 19, 2011 Leave a comment