Wendy and Nathan break up
This book, I wrote in my last post, seems to mirror my circumstances. It got weirder when Wendy and her boyfriend Nathan started having problems. The chapter about their break up started like this: It needs to be said that we’re not breaking up. And she talks about bringing some of his stuff back to his apartment. She knows it’s coming (she senses it), but she isn’t the one to do it. She doesn’t want to break up with him, though maybe in the past it had crossed her mind.
So then the rest of the chapter happens and so does the following chapter and my stomach does flip flops and my head says, “Yes, exactly.”
Whenever I finish a cigarette I walk to the curb to drop the butt in the gutter and watch for Nathan’s bike down the street. I think we’re trying to be ourselves again, and I want to give him these things that are his, and then I haven’t really thought about what’s going to happen next. For now I leave a note telling him I’m glad he hasn’t been killed. I ought to start with him being alive and then go from there, I think. … [Nathan calls her]
“I think you need to come back over now,” he says. “If you’re not too far.”
“You want me to come back to your place?”
I’m about a mile away. …
“I think you should come back over,” he repeats. “It won’t take long.”
“What won’t?”
“I’ll meet you downstairs,” he says, and hangs up.
[Two pages later]
Also the truth is that at this moment I’m crying about being alone on New Year’s. It’s a week before Thanksgiving right now. “This is the worst time to break up with someone,” I say. “Worst fucking time ever” (I Am Not the New Me, pp. 203-204, 207).
Wendy, you’re not alone.
December 19, 2011 Leave a comment
Day (I had to do the math) 39
I lost track of what day I’m on, and for this I’m glad. I’m at a turning point in this whole break-up thing – finally.
I was going to give up on the blogging completely, actually. I was hoping I could quietly move on without anyone noticing, not even me. I was hoping to heal and be fine and forget all about him.
Well, I’m close, but I’m not there yet.
I started reading a memoir called I’m Not the New Me by Wendy McClure, about a woman’s weight-loss journey. (It’s hilarious.) Toward the beginning of her journey she decides to chronicle everything on a website – this was before blogs were cool. So she does, and she has followers, and she meets a guy through a fan of hers, and life starts looking better.
I’m sure there will be some sort of fall out before the end of the book, but we’re not there yet. I’m assuming all is well for Wendy here on out.
I want the same for me. I like this book because it parallels my own experiences. There’s a lot of misery and temptation that coexist with life-changing journeys. Plus, Wendy starts dating a man named Nathan who, like “my” Nathan, has a queer sense of humor. Geez.
My journey wasn’t planned the way Wendy’s was. I didn’t say, “Oh, it’s time to stop loving Nathan and find a new love/life for myself.” No, it started when he said, “I’m not happy. We need to break up.”
But I’m on a journey, nevertheless. I shouldn’t have pretended it was over when it is not. The journey will be over when I’m with someone else, at peace.
I long for that day. But until then, I’ll do what Wendy did: I’ll take strides toward the end-point, and I’ll write about it.
What else can I do?
—
Wendy on one of her website “fans” who may or may not decide to stalk her:
I say this but later it does occur to me that this Jenny person could keep emailing me. Or if not her, then someone else, someone who might be more verifiably creepy. A person who maybe doesn’t leave the house enough and who stays in chain-smoking and auctioning crumpled shirts and old extension cords on eBay. I mean I always wonder about the people who do stuff like that, and maybe one of them reads me. Maybe she bids on things that remind her of me. Maybe she is making a collage about me. Someone could just do that: make a collage and ccan it an demail it to me, and nobody could stop her.
As it turns out, Jenny doesn’t write back, and I’m vaguely disappointed.
Wendy has a Donald Miller-esque quality about her writing. I love it.
-Laur
December 18, 2011 Leave a comment
“Christmas Blues” by Dustin Kensrue
Well it’s Christmas time, everybody
But it’s raining in my heart
Well it’s Christmas time, everybody
But it’s raining in my heart
And you know that I love you, baby
Tell me, why must we be apart?
Well you told me New Year’s Eve,
We’d be together Christmastime
Well you told me New Year’s Eve,
We’d be together Christmastime
Well, it’s Christmas Eve, my darling
You’ll be here when the bells begin to chime
What is a ship without a crew?
What is the morning without the dew?
What is a ship without a crew?
What is the morning without the dew?
What is my life little darling?
A lonely Christmas without you.
December 16, 2011 Leave a comment
Christmas Break Goals 2011
I don’t know how I survived this semester.
And, looking back, I still don’t consider it the worst. Ha, Spring 2011 was AWFUL! So, things are looking up now. I have great friends, great family and delicious coffee to keep me happy.
Plus, I have plenty of things to keep me busy over break:
1. I will read – a lot! I know this isn’t a measurable goal by any means. (Jeremy would probably scold me for this.) But I don’t want to say I will read so many books or even so many pages, because I have a Kindle and it throws everything off.
2. I will write at least three poems and one piece of creative nonfiction. I miss being literary. I need to get ready for next semester’s internship, poetry course and English courses.
3. I will stop slouching. This sounds like a good goal. My posture is absolutely horrible, and I’m sick of Haley scolding me for it. Also, it’s hard not to slouch while I’m writing this.
4. I will job shadow a British fellow. Because – why not?
5. I will update my website. It needs an overhaul. I know it’s really cutesy right now – but I’m wondering if that’s really what I want. I’m considering moving everything over to WordPress. Ugh. I like showing off my Javascript skills, but I’m not sure if it’s what’s most practical after all.
I’m sure there will be more goals to come, because break has hardly started and Lord knows those won’t keep me busy enough!
December 14, 2011 Leave a comment
“Not Sure” by Fiction Family
How long will it take,
For these ties to you to break?
They’re much stronger than I thought.
And I’m not sure that I’ll get over you.
I’m not sure that I want to.
How long till you’re gone
From every troubled thought?
‘Cause you’re still here to heal what’s wrong
I’m not sure that I’ll get over you.
I’m not sure that I want to.
We both made the call and it was all me by fault
Such a beautiful view with a long way to fall
I was afraid how it could hurt to leave the safety of above
Well if it doesn’t it’s not love
December 11, 2011 Leave a comment
Progress Report
I did it! I’ve been single a full month, and I haven’t died, gone crazy, or made any stupid decisions.
I’ve learned a lot in this month. I know there’s more to come, too. To go through every lesson I’ve learned might be dull for you, but I’ll mention a few interesting ones. Then that’ll be that.
1. I like myself. I know we realized this awhile ago, back when Nathan and I were on a break. But for real this time, I know that I like myself. I like being with myself. I like myself with other people. This is more essential than I ever realized. You can’t be in a healthy relationship with someone unless you like yourself.
I think part of what didn’t work in my relationship with Nate was my insecurity. Even though I know I like myself, that doesn’t mean I’m free from insecurity. I can be incredibly insecure, and therefore awkward and hard to be around. I have been quite introspective these past four weeks; I’m noticing what makes me uncomfortable, and I’m trying to work through those things. I’m also realizing that dear Nathan has his own insecurities. It was silly of me to think I was the only one.
2. I have great friends. I realized this when I was with Nate, but I didn’t realize the extent of their greatness. I still have friends texting me, asking me how I’m doing. I am blessed. When I was with Nate, I was very distracted by him. Because he was my boyfriend and my best friend, I let myself neglect my other friends. I was careful to never ditch them when we’d already made plans — but I never went out of my way to make plans with them.
I’m also angry, now, that Nate never spent time with my friends. It frustrated me a little when we were dating, but now I’m officially angry. I love his friends. I miss them terribly. But he never wanted to hang out with my friends. I don’t know if he had an issue with the age difference or if they just weren’t his kind of people, but it was kind of unfair. I’m pretty sure this is the reason my eleventh grade boyfriend broke up with me: He went out of his way to be friends with my friends, but I didn’t care to be friends with his.
3. Oh, the petty arguments. Most of the things Nathan and I fought about were so small and not even worth fighting over. Part of it comes down to me and my insecurities, but others came down to him and his stubbornness. The issues themselves were stupid. Why did we waste so much energy?
4. I am too old for this university. I am. I realized soon after Nate and I broke up that I can’t be at this school anymore. I’m too old. I am not a whiny child; I am an adult.
This has less to do with Nate than it does my time spent on campus. When we were together I spent much more time off campus than on. Now I have to find excuses to get off campus to escape the immaturity that is the IWU community. I spend a lot of time at the river.
5. Happiness is a choice. I believe this to some extent, anyway. I’ve learned that when feelings of sadness/depression come, I have the choice to nurse them, or focus on something else. It’s always best to think about something else. I know this doesn’t fix anything, but it keeps me from crying myself to sleep every night. (Which I don’t do, thank God.)
I’m learning how to be thankful for the good I see. I’m thankful that classes are almost over. I’m thankful for good friends, good coffee, and good food. I’m thankful for Paradigm and The Seattle School of Theology and Psychology. I’m thankful for peace.
—
I’m doing much better now than I was one month ago — but I am not great. I’m still in love with Nathan. I used to tell him that my love for him came so naturally. I’d have to try to stop loving him. I am trying, but it is so hard.
Multiple times a day I pray for peace grounded in Truth. My heart wants him back, but I’m praying hard. I only want peace with what is True, in what God wants for us. That means I need to find peace in moving on. God, help me.
December 10, 2011 Leave a comment
Crush therapy
When I was a sophomore, I had a crush on a guy who did not like me but led me on nevertheless. When I realized this, on Christmas day, I was devastated. So I wrote him a letter that he’d never read.
I like reading that letter sometimes, mostly for laughs, but also for therapy. I survived that heartache; I can survive anything.
I made some good points back then, that I want to remind myself of today. I wrote:
I told you that I’m not very good at getting over guys. Here’s why: I lie to myself, pretending that they really do like me or will soon like me – or something. I need to quit doing this to myself. You’re not going to be a four-year crush for me. I’m getting over you right now. It’s a slow process, but it’s going to work.
I will just stop thinking about you. I’m not allowed to write your name down anymore. I should really delete your name from my phone, but I’m too much of an organization freak to let myself.
It’s over, crush. It’s over.
I’m sorry I’m so emotional with stuff like this, but you aren’t really reading this anyway, so it doesn’t matter.
And I ended the letter with:
I hope you find a wife who loves you and who you love in return. And I hope she’s fat.
With love and (mostly) squalor,
Lauren Deidra Sawyer
Maybe being his friend isn’t a smart decision. Maybe this isn’t what’s best for me. As much as I love hope, even delusional hope, it’s keeping me from moving on. And it’s putting me on his “hook.” He gets the benefits of a girlfriend (sans kissings), without the commitment — which isn’t fair to me at all. Ugh.
—
It’s Day 28, and I don’t think this is getting any better.
I’ve prayed for peace, and I haven’t felt it.
Man, it’s the one thing I’ve asked for too. But I’ll be patient and wait. (Yes, I know I haven’t blogged through Advent yet — I know. I still know what waiting’s like though.)
Lauren
December 7, 2011 Leave a comment
Day 25
Days are easy until they’re hard.
—
Comely
With it lit in her hand, the stereo
up louder, louder, the bass: deeper, deeper
she cries the lyrics “Oh comely. Oh comely.”
To her mouth the cigarette, her head
remembering the time they sang this together
in the car “I will be with you when you lose your breath”
on New Year’s Day and the promises of forever
taken back just three weeks ago
and hope of nothing
Blackness, the rain falling, the bass booming
Back to her mouth the smoke, the fig taste,
the forgiveness; I hate when you smoke
but none of that matters, none of that matters
it’s on repeat “Oh comely. Oh comely.”
To God: why? For you to get the glory, the credit,
your ya-ya’s? Her pain: it’s nothing, nothing
tomorrow she’ll forget and move on and nothing
ten years and she’ll forget
ten years and she’ll be married, happy
ten years and she’ll miss him and their dog named
after a song and their son
She coughs she coughs she coughs
and spits, he used to spit like this and wash
his hands after his smoke and wash his face
and kiss her
the smell lingered
If you’re here where are you? If you care
show up
December 5, 2011 2 Comments
Miracle!
Today turned out OK.
This is why: I felt bad for myself for a while, then I stopped. I enjoyed the company of a good friend (Al), I focused enough to get work done (some of it, anyway), and I witnessed a miracle.
I swear, a real freakin’ miracle.
I’m writing two stories for the Chronicle-Tribune. I am, of course, failing at finding sources. One of my pieces is on who will win the “young vote” in the 2012 election. I talked to everyone I know in politics (i.e. Jason Eastman) and ended up with zero sources.
Until,
I get an email late yesterday from a student who’s with the Student Electoral Commission (wtf?) and wants The Sojourn to run a piece on the 2012 elections next semester.
I said: Yes, if I can interview you for the C-T.
He said yes.
Miracle.
—
Earlier today:
Me: How long did it take you to get over Eric?
Sam: 3 years
Me: Well, $%#^!
Sam: There were a lot of factors that made it take that long
Me: Okay. Well, I hope it doesn’t take me that long. It’s day 24 and I still feel miserable
Sam: Well it might help to stop counting. lol
—
I will take these little victories when I get them. You know, there are days I feel happy because I believe Nate and I will be together again. Instead of reprimanding myself, I say, Man, I’m just glad I’m happy! There are days, too, when I’m happy because of a conversation I’ve had or because I’m thinking about Seattle. I let those happy thoughts happen. I give myself that luxury.
I think this is new for me. I used to make myself only be happy at things worth being happy about.
But I will take happiness in delusion — because I know it won’t last.
I know that I won’t have hope in Nathan’s and my relationship much longer. But if that hope makes me happy for right now, I’m OK with it.
If dreaming about living in Seattle makes me happy, then that’s good enough.
Today my friend Allison Tweeted: What is it we love about fantasy? Is it the idea of probable impossibilities or hope for improbable possibilities?
I without hesitation, responded: hope for improbable possibilities.
I used to say I’d “forsake reality for a poem.”
I’d take a delusion over despair any day.
I know I sound insane: maybe I am. But sometimes you just have to live these things out. In time, I’ll heal. In time, I’ll be sane again and thriving.
But until then? Let me have my improbable hopes.
December 4, 2011 Leave a comment
Advent – part 1
Advent is a time for waiting.
Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.
I know Advent is a time of anticipation for the coming Messiah, for waiting. I get it. God, I finally get it.
Since one of my goals is to read through Isaiah by Christmas, I’m going to try to blog through the prophecies of the Coming, focusing on Advent and waiting. I want to channel the feelings of the Israelites. I want to know what it’s like to wait for the LORD. But I also want to know what it’s like to see Him arrive after months and months and years of waiting. That — that will be glorious.
Oh, I’m having a rough Day 23.
I miss him. I miss being someone’s girl. I miss having someone to cry on; I miss smelling his cologne.
These are silly things, I know. I have wonderful friends and family who let me cry and smell them (ha!).
But it’s not the same. Oh, God. It’s not the same. It’s not the same.
So, in my weakness, in my heartache, I’m going to follow the Hebrews in this journey. Messiah, I need you now more than ever.
December 3, 2011 Leave a comment