A secret astonishment that you are strangers
Yesterday I ran into an old boyfriend of mine, Luke — remember him?
Him: “Didn’t we break up at a Wendy’s?”
Me: “Uh, yes.”
Him: “Over Ashley?”
Me: “Uh, yes.”
(A girl broke up our relationship – go figure.)
Anyway, it was great to see him. We spent a lot of time catching up (and flirting?). I haven’t seen him in years, maybe since I started college. Geez. I’m glad, though, that we could chit-chat for a half hour without it being awkward and uncomfortable. I mean, more than it should be, given that I’m an awkward and uncomfortable person. Haha.
I wonder when Nathan and I will get to this stage: when we’re both surprised to see each other – it’s been 5 years – and there’s no lingering hurt or anger or loneliness that accompanies our seeing each other. I think I gave away the answer: 5 years.
I wrote about Luke on this blog senior year of high school, a year after we broke up:
I feel like I have so many feelings inside of me that I haven’t really taken care of. Instead I have just suppressed them (they’re still inside of me) and I don’t really know what I’m going to do when they’re unleashed.
Two and a half months ago I ended a crush on a guy. But how do you just end a crush without the feelings returning? I read something in Annie Dillard’s Pilgrim at Tinker Creek that reminded me of this feeling in some way:
“…[A]s you look at a still-beautiful face belonging to a person who was once your lover in another country years ago: with fond nostalgia, and recognition, but not real feeling save a secret astonishment that you are strangers.” [80]
And maybe this feeling isn’t describing that “ex-crush” but a certain ex-boyfriend whose heart I mistreated. We are strangers. I guess that the “just friends” philosophy isn’t much of reality. Oh, I wish it were.
I kind of hate myself for quoting Annie Dillard about Luke – and Ben, my ex-crush – back then. Like I knew anything about heartache! Like I knew anything about an old lover in another country! But I tried to get it, and I give myself credit for that.
There’s still a raging duality within me: there’s the part that’s clinging to Nathan, who wants him to be with me again. That part of me has everything figured out. I know why we broke up. I know why and how this makes sense in the grand scheme of things. I even know how Our Relationship Part II could work and would work well.
And then there’s that other part of me, the realist/fatalist part, who knows that is all useless. He isn’t coming back. If Nathan really wanted to be with me, he’d be with me. The fact that he’s not, means he doesn’t want it. And maybe he’ll never want it. Part of me believes he will, like Jayber, be a bachelor for life.
That half of me also believes no one will be good enough. Luke is great. Luke and I were good together, till things fell apart. But Luke’s no Jones. God, I hate saying that. That fatalist part of me believes no one is as good as Jones. No one. No one. No one.
It’s only been 2 months minus 5 days. How do you expect me to be?
When I see Nathan, it’s not like Annie described it. We aren’t strangers. Instead I think: You should still be my lover! You should be! And I think about those times we spent together and how badly I want them back.
Where do I go from here, I wonder.
—
And, on a completely unrelated note, as I prepared for this post on my way to Midas this morning – my car being in a similar situation as my old one was when I wrote that post about Annie Dillard and Luke, actually – I realized how neurotic my ex-boyfriends are.
Seriously. And I swear every one of them would call himself type-B too. They’re weird with all their quirks. Honestly, that’s what I liked the most about them too. Ha!
January 5, 2012